I want to explain more about myself for God's glory I will speak as a frog!
I know that sounds egotistical and fake to say I am doing something for God's glory, because EVERYONE has a hidden agenda. Everyone of us has a basic human nature and there are things we NEED in order to live and to feel good!
David Goggins said, "life is all about the feeling!" Like we want that good feeling. We don't want to feel bad.
And so we all have this nature, these needs, these built in desires. All of us! And anytime someone comes around and claims they have a holy and pure love, not tainted by human needs and wants, you feel like telling that person to go pound sand!
My love for God and for humanity is influenced by my human wants and needs. I am a human being and with everything that comes with it.
I have struggled and learned. I have sinned and hurt others. I have been selfish and self centered. I have been foolish and fooled. I've been tricked and lied to. I've lied. I've made terrible mistakes that I have regretted deeply.
I also know that I am not my past and that I am not my mistakes. Whatever I am, I am not defined by my past mistakes, sins, and errors. I have learned from them. They have shaped me and have developed me. But it has been in overcoming those things, stepping beyond them, using them as scaffolding, that has made and revealed who I really am.
I am a man who is willing to suffer in order to be honest and have integrity. I've proven this with my life. Am I better than others? I don't know and I don't give a fuck! I just know what kind of a person I want to be and I know to what extent I am willing to feel uncomfortable, be in pain, be lonely, or suffer in order to be true to myself.
I also know that I do not have to continue to live. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die, but, I don't have to be here and any time I am done, I can be done. There are people who need me and want me in this world and that is a fact, so here I am.
I do not want to be wealthy and do not believe that having lots of money would ultimately provide me peace and joy or even purpose. I am glad and grateful to have means to obtain things I need and want, but I know it is just a tool. Having great wealth and having the ability to obtain what you want in this world without first having control of your heart is a path to hell and disaster.
I have control of my emotions and my passions. Have I always had control? No, but I've taken the time to invest in myself and to be humble enough to not make excuses for my shortcomings and weaknesses. I have taken the steps to treat any underlying trauma in my life so that it doesn't become a means by which the adversary and my pride can lead me astray. That includes talk therapy and other help from professionals. We cannot be slaves to our past and thrive in the now. We can't be living in the past and be thriving now. It is no shame or flaw to go to a trusted professional. It takes being selective about who you ask to help but, "there is nothing wrong with letting those who love you, help you!"
I am well acquainted with sorrow and with pain. I desire to be a balm in this world where I can. I want to use my experiences to help others who so desire to be lifted out of that type of a hellish existence.
I don't care about being admired by the world or anyone, really, although I do desire the love and affection of my friends and family as a normal person does. But I'm not afraid or worried about being judged by others. I used to be but not anymore.
I believe in God. I do not know about the true nature of reality, but, I have had a voice guiding me my whole life. Now this sounds egotistical but to me, it's only now more recently that I recognize this. Growing up I didn't think I had a voice talking to me, I just thought I had thoughts, random at times, just stuff in my head. But over time, if you pay attention, I started noticing a distinctiveness to this voice and it seemed to become "active" at key points in my life. Like the time the voice told me to put my arms out in a strange way as I was falling 50ft towards jagged large stones to my death and I was saved! So there is a distinct voice, not me, who has information I don't know and cannot know, and who shares that with me at times or even gives me words that bring a sense of being known, understood, and comforted. I have experienced many miracles and have also come to learn that God the Father, a portion of Him, is with me always and that in fact, I am one mean, or way, by which the Father interacts with and sees the universe. I believe that is true for most all of us, with the exception of some who have no light in them, which I believe do exist, however, given I can't always tell, I assume everyone is as I am unless it is proven otherwise. In other words, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and start off by believing the best.
I believe it is important that we don't lose touch with the Spiritual, unseen aspects of life. We have to accept the hidden parts, our darkside, the spiritual aspects, and have the ability at the same time to keep our feet firmly planted on the ground and live out our everyday ordinary lives. A girl I met not too long ago made me think about the fact that, yes, we do need to be both Superman and Clark Kent!
Yes, we do need to have courage and stand up for what is right and to put ourselves in the path of a "train" and not be afraid to do what is right and to love God and to do things for His glory, while at the same time, like Clark Kent the Superman alter ego, we also need to do our regulat jobs, be courteous, have humanity, be humble, meek, vulnerable, sincere, and honest.
Yes it has been hard and painful to be that way at times. Many people have taken advantage and used that nature of mine to extract something from me without reciprocating, but, I can tell you, the alternative is worse. Far worse and much greater suffering.
